monday morning, august 18, 2014
Words seem to escape me. My heart races and palms sweat at the mere thought of what I am about to do. I try to prepare my thoughts but my mind has turned to mush. “What am I doing?” I question myself. “Am I making the biggest mistake of my life? What if I’m wrong?” These fears and more swirl about in my brain as I try to muster up one ounce of courage to plunge forward into the unknown.
Over the past several months, I have heard God speak to me time and time again, yet once more, doubt rolls over me like an ocean wave threatening to drown me in the seas of uncertainty. I concentrate on His voice echoing in my mind, “To the faithful, I am faithful.”
I want to be faithful. I just never guessed being faithful would look like this. I have played out this day in my mind before, but never once did the scenario require so much courage. I never dreamed there would be so much at stake. I never imagined it would require so much… faith.
Now the only thing I cling to is my hope in Him; there is nothing left. Nothing remains but Him. Why shouldn’t I follow and give Him everything? Why shouldn’t I go “all in?” The truth is I am too far gone. There is no turning back. He stole my heart and gave me the tiniest glimpse of His love. I can’t say “no” now. There is no other choice. Besides, it is my own fault that I am here. After all, I did say, “Anything. I will do anything.” These words tumble around in my mind as fresh as the day I first spoke them four years ago. But now they mingle with new words, new promises that I’ve made, and new requests that I’ve placed before Him. “God,” I said, “I want people to look at my life and say, ‘That’s just crazy. How great is her God?’”
Well, I’ve learned my lesson. It seems God likes to answer bold, radical prayers, and He loves making His followers look crazy for His namesake. Crazy… ha, well this sure feels crazy. It’s definitely the craziest thing I’ve ever done. Like twelve crazy men some two thousand years ago, I am making the same crazy decision to leave everything and follow one crazy, big God. Today, I am resigning from my job. I feel much like the fisherman Simon pulling my boat up on shore only to leave it all there at the edge of the water. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what the future holds or how to get there. But I do know one thing, Jesus is leading. He held out His hand and said come, what could I possibly do but follow? I am excited about this new journey and terrified at the same time. In all my years, I have never felt more certain about a decision yet so unsure of the outcome. Hmm… I guess that’s why they call it faith.
If you’d like to follow me on this journey, I will be regularly sharing here on my blog about where I have come, where I am now, and where I am going. It’s been an amazing story so far, and I can’t wait to write the rest of it. If you’d like to subscribe, click here!